Our nervous system can do some incredibly important and immeasurably beneficial things. But it can also short circuit and malfunction. It can be turned against us. It can manufacture unimaginable misery.
In the depths of post acute withdrawal symptoms, I experienced something called passive suicidal ideation. I thought about what it would be like to be dead. I thought about the relief it would bring.
I always thought that someone who took their own life must have been going through something I would never understand. Then I went through benzo withdrawal.
The only person that understands benzo withdrawal is the person that has gone through benzo withdrawal. If you are talking to a friend, a family member, even a therapist – they might be a good listener, they might have some meaningful advice to give, but if they have not gone through benzo withdrawal, they have no idea what you are dealing with. None. Not a fraction of a percent.
Don’t get me wrong, withdrawal from alcohol, opiates and many other psychiatric drugs is horrific. But there are few things like the depth and duration of benzo withdrawal. It is on another plane. In another universe.
Trying to explain benzo withdrawal to someone who has not had their mind and body in that space is like trying to explain to a lifelong sober person what an LSD trip is like. There is nothing you can say to help them situate that experience in their head. It’s just not possible.
The only person that understands benzo withdrawal is the person that has gone through benzo withdrawal. And there are a lot of people that have gone through benzo withdrawal. Find them. Talk to them. They are on forums like Benzo Buddies, in subreddits like /r/benzorecovery, and in facebook groups like Benzo Warrior.
In the beginning, benzo withdrawal is a raging fire. Once you get the drug out of your system, the fire starts to burn out. But it takes a long time. It’s not a boy scout campfire. The wood is soaked in kerosene.
You have to wait out the fire. There is no bucket of water nearby.
But talking to someone who understands can help you move away from the flames. I am one of those people. I’ve been through it. I’m still going through it. I’m here. I’m listening. I don’t have all the answers but I understand.
Because the only person that understands benzo withdrawal is the person that has gone through benzo withdrawal.
I’m so sorry for all you’ve gone through, Phil. I am almost 3.5 years off of benzos (1mg Clonazepam) after an abrupt cessation from a local doctor.
Truly, before I took benzos, my sin (disobedience to the Lord) had opened a door for me to be oppressed, and I suffered years of panic attacks. The panic was what led me to benzos. Even in this, the Lord warned me not to take them. I didn’t heed His warning, and I suffered tremendously for it.
I asked Him to forgive me for ever taking Clonazepam. He has forgiven me and given me the strength to overcome. The Lord is a light to our path. He will show us the way to go. But if we continue in the way we “think” is right, we will grope in complete darkness having no understanding and reap destruction. The decisions we make will bring further hopelessness.
The Lord, Jesus, is the only hope. He is the only way. When we ask for forgiveness and turn from sin (disobedience to Him), His righteousness is imputed to us through Jesus. Old things pass away. We are made new.
In the moments of complete despair, call on His name, turn to Him. He will heal you. He will help you. Ask Him to forgive you. He is near to the broken-hearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. He does not despise those who are oppressed. He sustains the sick on their sickbed and restores them to health. I will pray for you, Phil. The Lord is able to save.